Little Goals

Someday I'd like to:
hike another mountain without a path (did this in Maine with Marne when we were 14)
ride a horse
see the grand canyon
catch a fish that weighs over a pound
spend a long period of time (like months) on a farm or somewhere else surrounded by nature
go on a boat ride (yes I have done this before but I've not been near water for a long time)
make a chalk mural worthy of you seeing and saying hey, cool
Go to Greece and see the ruins

the morning crap

Back when I was in college pre med days... and not premed like the rest of wash u. I was a nutter in the morning. I'd wake up nauseus and my mind was all off. Lord help my x boyfriend having to deal with that. I feel bad for what he had to go through but then I realize he had his own problems too.
I also yawn alot when I'm having a break down. I'm not hyper ventilating but I can't seem to get enough oxygen.
Its funny because you can see the two sides of mindy right now. This is the sane one looking at the nutty one... I type sane, i feel nutty. I feel like my blood is not making it to my limbs and i feel like my body has no strength to stand. I had two brown outs yesterday which i never have in STL but suffered for years in PA. At least its better than actually passing out...
Anyway I suppose I should work. I feel like shit right now. I had a good moment or two yesterday while I talked on the phone with duane. Eric called me later but he was so tired from a 13 hour studio day that he couldn't really talk to me and I just felt worse sorta.

3 years

You are a fucking idiot. By you I mean me. Its been 3 years since your last break down and yet you sit here thinking about suicide and how you can't stand the thought of feeling like this your whole life. You think too hard and think about when your 70 and no one is there to comfort you. Then kick the bucket then. After you've had years and years of good but can only focus on the bad.
Mindy, what has happened in the last 3 years.
You've bought a house
You've adopted Riley
You've made new friends
You've gone up in ranks at work.
So you are going to have a few really bad days here. You've had them before and gotten through them and then you have had years of good so stop thinking about the pain and fear you are going through. The funny thing abotu the depressed is their fear of death and yet desire to overcome that in a snap. I was fine yesterday until i saw narnia and the death of aslan which brought me back to the death of coconut. I have two loving dogs here... why am I ignoring what the are giving me.
I took a xanex. I'm trying to get my breath back. I've gone to the potty like 4-5 times from not feeling well. I had a migrane the last two days when I didn't take my effexor but did take my prozac. I must keep taking the effexor longer. I screwed up from my own lack of organiziation and thought I hsould be done by now... no the prozac has to kick in better.
Shit I've been damn happy except my money fears lately. and then bam.... psycho mindy, paging dr psycho mindy.

Do you ever start hating scrapping? Probably not since you aren't a scrapper. I know it sounds dumb but sometimes I start to hate it. I feel guilty when I don't scrap, I find myself more focused on photos during a moment instead of enjoying the moment. Its not a hobby, its an obcession ya know?
Since the roomie moved in and work got nutty I've not been scrapping and I've not been on the board I used to frequent much. I in some ways feel really guilty and in others feel like lots of people don't spend much of their day scrapping or talking about scrapping.
Its a quandry because its the only way I do any art and since my education sorta went to waste its good to do some art.
I'm changing meds again and am right now missing eric really badly. I'm feeling the depressed swing of things. I'm worried about accomplishing things in the house, messes, elecric bills, what to do about when eric's in and scheduling.
I hate how much I think. I think all the time. I think collecting things are dumb these days and that makes no sense either. Its something about never parting with it either.

Fear the future, you will become your parents.

This week's truffle shuffle is brought to you by the letter F. Words that start with F, Fire, Fancy, Food, Freakin Weekend. Me and the life partner have no premature plans for the weekend but lots of plans of nothingness. Wised, Mature Learn-ed times.

1. Be Easy – TI
2. Conjunction Junction – School House Rock
3. Big Boss Man – Junior Reid
4. Shut Up – Black eyes peas… I was really wishing instead for Holiday
5. Diamonds are Forever – Kanye West
6. Vertigo- U2
7. Substitute – The Who
8. Play the funky music white boy
9. Voulez Vous ABBA
10. Papa loves Mambo Perry Como

Since I am amused by the response of mindy before bloggyness lets see what other pic to include today.

Real women finish their dessert

So since Kara has moved in its felt like one big sleepover. Its made me feel like I"m back in high school laying on Marne's bed talking for hours while her cats jump through the window and freak my shit out. Marne's cats, not Karas. She has discovered my ADD which is totally not legit. I just hop from one thing to the next and usually at the end of the week I have a bunch done instead of finishing one item a night.
So I have no finished home craftiness to show this week. Last thing I made was Duane's kickass Apron that can be seen here:
http://www.zinfullydelicious.com/2006/05/index.html
Scroll down to Zen
So this week instead I've applied to a new design team and doctored photos. I won't share kara's but here is who I am named after. Matilda but known to everyone as Matel. A pic of me from 3 years back to compare. Or just laugh at cause I'm all baby fevering the photo.

Hey and I found a pic of my 24th b-day. This is me teach girls how to Kart....Mario Kart... You know I'm hardcore. I totally should ask eric to bring back the n64. Kara and I could totally kart it up.

Cletus 5 is in the oven but I bet there are more than 4 cleti (thats plural) jr. in this world.

So I've never been a hardcore Saturday night live watcher. I started getting into it when Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon did the weekend report. I'm sorry I know most people hate him because he can't actually do the stuff he's meant to do and just laughs light a girl while cowbells go off but thats what i liked about him. I liked their combo the best out of all the past combos.
This weekend Tina Fey said the most brilliant line ever and I still can't stop laughing/giggling.... Cause ya know Britney's preggo again... We all are shocked right, its wrong in our minds, right? I mean she should take some time off between her good parenting skills and to play with the pet sharks.
Oh wait, Tina's right....
"taking a year off isn't going to make that kid come out any classier"

I dream of genie

sleep, now... now... okay how about now....
Got a fun little insomnia going on. Took the lunesta. Still awake. Trying to decide what is a side effect of getting off the effexor.
Been feeling like I'm over caffinated. It doesn't seem to bring on the sleep.

Are you a leader or a follower, a bitch or really a bitch.

Who do i like? I'm not sure. I do know who i don't like. Thats cause I'm really as bitch. When faced with social butterflies i get annoyed. The world is half full of social butterflies. Okay maybe only a quarter full. Half of the world is staying at home, a quarter goes out and are butterflies and a quarter go out, want to be social and such but just don't feel quite right. They don't realize the half of the world who is still at home and tries to understand the group that can socialize on a whim.
While watching these butterflies I think man, they are so clueless and snobby. Oh wait, me thinking that makes me snobby too. I criticize myself a lot for being critical but ya know what, everyone is critical. Its how we exist, even if we aren't critical of everyone in the known world we discuss things such as movies, art, music and talk about what we like and don't like about it.
So I seem to not be critical of animals, I'm way too attached to them and personify them and their personalities.
So my point. I don't have one. I guess just that everyone isn't perfect. My lack of perfectness has alot of company. Something in life has been ruined for me. I think about too much, everything, every moment. I can't just roll with it. I can't watch a movie and not think about if its good or not. I can't just appreciate art for being pretty. I don't know, maybe school did it to me. It taught me to critique things. It however forgot to tell me how to stop.

Poor Decisions

We all make poor decisions. Mine often are when I open my mouth instead of people watching as I prefer to do. I totally got caught doing it yesterday by this chic Michelle that I dig. She's cool, she's cooler than me, but I really like her and her groovy man. I'm more at ease with them then most of my connections through sir duane. I think I finally can shut up and be fine near them. My mouth opens when I'm uncomfortable and its pure verbal diarrhea which is a horrible, horrible term.
She called me out on my people watching and I said I wish when I watched I wasn't so judgmental in my head. Yeah we all are.
So poor decisions occur all around us. Being 22 at one point is a bad place in general. Being 22 and having 3 kids, also probably some poor decisions there too. But when you decide to own a lion at 22 with 3 kids when does the duh bell go off? Naming your male lion Kitty, also a poor decision.
They also have a dozen dogs and a lizard which to a previous iguana owner, thats way nondescript. Oh did I mention these folks life in Appalachia. They say they have rescued all of these animals. The next step to a rescue is finding it a good home and a dozen dogs and a freaking lion with 3 kids is not a good home...

9:20 in the morning

and eatting yogurt dill papadums. yeah they are covered with onion and garlic powder... see trader joes, you need to get my mini thin soy rice crackers in...my breath be harsh!

Camel be gone

The good:
Recently my household has been going through a major cleaning/organizing run. I'm loving it personally. I have a closet floor now, I'm no longer stuffing clothes into drawers etc. I came across my good booty black pants that haven't fit for a while. I have a new pair I need to sew because they are a bit too big in the waist. So i figure what the hell I'll try them on. Woohoooooooo, they were pants that were camel toe bad and locked away but now they are on and doing good!
The bad:
When I read or fly I get nervous. I don't notice it but I pull my eyebrows. Every once in a while I'll have to fill them in because of said pulling. Well apparently reading about George Washington and John Adams made me batshit because I pulled them worse than I ever have before. When I looked in the mirror this morning. I near fainted. It looked liked i had either become a borg or had chemo. Fuck. I can't believe I did that.
The doggy news:
I went to bark in the park on Saturday. Fun times. Agility starts next weekend. I ought to practice but a) i need dry land b) i need to get a rubber mallet and hammed my equipment together better. With all the household cleaning and organizing there have been no room for complete and totally dog insanity. Now there is. Riley rubbed his neck over my entire living room carpet and crazy play has been going on since yesterday. I heard odd noises this morning as I gave myself eyebrows. I peeked behind the door and saw the boys playing on the couch. Why they chose the couch I don't know. Usually they only do that when I'm on it and trying to sleep or have a bad stom-ah-che (name that reference), the rest of the time its the floor. Perhaps I should have drawn some inquisitive brows.

Its the little things that set me off

So i wrote to agility teacher, sometimes she's really nice, sometimes i feel like an idiot afterwards and get all stupid feeling inside. Guess which one I feel like now.
Tomorrow is bark in the park, me and the boys will be at the agility area. Afterwards I get the joy of returning to work because people are dumb. Stupid consultant. Bah!

Dig that funky music whitegirl....Friday Shuffle Time

1. The bird that you can’t see – Apples in Stereo
2. Submarine Dream – Apples in Stereo
3. Irish Jig – Asylum Street Spankers
4. Same old song – digital underground
5. Hey Ya – Outkast
6. Girls aren’t nothing by trouble -DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince
7. Groove is in the heart – dee light
8. Float on – Modest Mouse
9. Tv Party – Asylum Street Spankers
10. Footprints – liquid soul

shhhhh don't tell kara, I think I'm gonna steal a dvd to watch tonight as I clean and get rid of the stink that is Riley's ass.

Really, you're thirsty, no kidding.

Riley's thirst, why, cause he's been barking himself hoarse. He's also thirsty from constant panting and pacing....cause when you are trying to figure out your sewing machine a screaming dog is exactly what you need. Especially if you start to ruin said project from stupid machine while you still are being yelled at. And said dog smells like dog fart and is afraid of the outside cause of the wind and because of wind, you get yelled at. And if you go outside without the dog, you get yelled at. If you use the micro you get yelled at. You use the phone, you get yelled at. Do you see where I'm going with this?
I want a T-shirt that says "my dogs needs xanex."

Happy B-day

Happy Birthday Duane!!

hungry hungry hippo

fabulous, i'm cycling with friend now... because then we can eat all chocolate in sight together... ugh...
Saturday is Bark in the Park. I won't be taking the hound cause thats 30 bucks I don't have but I will be helping at the agility part of the event I think. Remind me on Friday that I do want to get up and be outside from 8-1.
They offered me some free classes if i paint their equipment but I already bowed my head and asked for the boy to pay for it. Again, remind me I like agility when I'm out in St. charles from 8-2 every saturday in the summer. Too often these days I just want to be a recluse at home. I guess I do that alot in the summer plus I've gotten in the habit with Eric not around. I've also never been too socially skilled so I forget how that is suposed to be in place of my quiet crafting, house chore time.
Speaking of crafts I came up with the bestest project eva...I'd like to get it done for a particular party this week but we shall see. He'll love me even if its late...

bucket o' alcohol

so ya know that trend of bucket of margaritas and such. Well I have the bucket of frozen chocolate delight. Damn, coming from the raising of italian ices, I'm a happy camper. Its like a snowcone with vodka and chocolate and it is good. Plus really a 6 dollar bucket of sugar, 13 dollar thing of alcohol that i moronically didn't allow someone else buy, it was a great deal compared to going to the tre chic bars in town. Shoot light up the chimea, kill the skeeters and I could charge admission to Mindy's House of Craft Therapy. Drink, Craft and be Merry.

Everyone wants prosthetic forheads on their real heads

I may have to be put down..... apparently all the work i did on Monday has caught up and I'm sporting pulled rib muscles or bruising... whatever it is it has left me achy, breaky and whiney.

So I leave you with the Friday shuffle

1. Voulez vous – Abba
2. the old apartment – Barenaked ladies
3. I love to boogie – T. Rex – billy elliot
4. Whenever Wherever – Shakira
5. Find our Way - Apples in Stereo
6. Play that Funky Music White Boy
7. Winning the War on Drugs – Asylum Street Spankers
8. Opium Jacuzzi – Liquid Soul
9. we want a rock – they might be giants
10. Get it on – T-Rex

I never blog about the interesting stuff...

So I will summerize a week in mindy's life.

Mom calls and is ignored during CSI, she gets pissed off.
I tell her I don't want to hear about Buby's pee, she gets pissed off.
She emails me that she might get killed by a mexican student cause she got him in trouble.
I haven't heard from her since....
Its been a year since Buby's stroke.
I pulled two shrubs and stumps from my yard on Monday.
I planted a hosta garden on Monday.
I trimmed trees from my roof and cleaned out my gutters on Tuesday.
I've been rug washing my rug for days. Its dirty and nasty.
I saw a man on the highway jumping on his hood of his car.
I saw a bulldozer driving down hanley with a cooler strapped to its roof.
I moved some target buys into the house for kara.
I have wrecked my house doing spring cleaning.
I ate a sleeve of thin mints on Monday
For the first time in a year and a half at work, I'm lacking work to do.
I emailed mom and asked if she's been killed.
I'm a great kid. Mom was there for me once when I had a break down, she then gossiped about it to everyone. I now won't go to her. But she wants me there for her constantly and thinks I've just not needed her. When are you suposed to be there for folks or teach them tough love.
Riley needs some tough love.. tough doodoo... you gots to go potty outside in the rain.

Going to hell.....

Mother's day is upon us. I'm all out of gift ideas. Well besides this lovely parting gift handbasket.