Wednesday, March 31, 2010

What about those who I've known Whose memory still lives inside of me.

Passover Seders have come and gone, really they may have been the most enjoyable in years. My aunt was a nightmare when they finally showed up tonight but we ignored her. If you are worried about leaving so late to go home try showing up earlier. Lots of Buby stories and moments of awkward silence but we all felt a lot closer this year. I think it was a last hurrah. Mom said that a lot about Seder tonight. She wanted it to be perfect and make her mom proud, but its always perfect and every year buby was so proud of mom just as mom is now proud of me that I can make a seder meal with my eyes closed.
While mom napped today (we were both pooped) I put in Boo's cd he created in honor of Buby, Eighteen while setting the table. Perhaps while its a great cd to bring out emotions listening to it during an emotional time wasn't wisest. (BTW this song is great in general). I sat in Buby's spot today. My reading hebrew skills are only a touch above her zero reading skills.
We talk of Seder being at my home next year and we'll see how it goes. Mom started passover at her home when her mother was 57. My mother is 56, kinda crazy. I think mom is hesitant because its the rare times she sees her brother. If she starts coming to me for high holidays and passover she won't see him at all. Sure he says he'll come to be but he can't make it to this house til 7 pm, i don't see him flying to STL. I chose to move to STL. Sometimes I'll have less family around, they are responsible for seeing me who left the good old PA.
As we age there is a time that you become the matriarch of the family and see your kids more and your siblings less. I think my mom will be good at being old, she's been acting it for years. (seriously, I have friends older than my mother that are way more youthful) But with buby gone I know thats whats crossing her mind, she doesn't want to be the older generation. Especially as we were raised that once you pass, its over, getting closer to that is all the more scary. (BTW thatnks mom for raising me that way, i hate it)
I hesitate holding Passover because I think I definitely won't see some family members. There is the other side though that if I held it even without them it would be so much more enjoyable for others. They'd have to dedicate themselves to visiting and not working if they did come. I know thats a big if. But it would calm mom too. She let me do passover this year. Its interesting how much more particular I am than her about stuff. I'm young and new at it I supose. Its like going to services, she did it for us kids forever once we grew up her attendance lessened. I'm sure when I have kids I'll do things with more vigor while they are young and lose all the energy toward it after I've dealt with teenagers. Mom also thinks Dad won't come to STL for Passover. While I don't spend much time with him here that would bug me. Its like if I'm in PA at least we get a half assed attempt but sometimes not seeing the half assed attempt might be better. Dunno. I'm rambling. I know if I had seder it would be great. Even if only one blood relative family member there was my mom I know I have friends who'd come and take part in our traditions even if they aren't their beliefs. I know in STL with no blood relatives my family runs strong and that family takes me as I am, crazy mother included.


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