Friday, February 26, 2010

I've been missing

Busy with home stuff, work etc. Also dealing with family matters. At this moment I'm so angry I know i shouldn't blog but I am. Buby is not going to be with us long. When my parents visited recently i talked to my dad about shiva and how I thought it was unhealthy for mom and us for it to be at buby's house. Now he's gone back and said it should be done there cause it would make him uncomfortable at his house. Well fuck me and call me sally. Wouldn't want that. What about my mother, what about me? Guess I am also being selfish because I do not want to stay at Buby's house when we do shiva. I think it will make it so much harder and put a ton of pressure on mom to clear it out in 24 hours of medical stuff that is in the dining room currently. Talking to mom she says it won't be there anyway cause insurance gets it returned immediately or it cost an assload more. I've recently learned that her hospital bed is being exchanged for a hospice bed which I did not know was different.
My dad and I have had a strained relationship in life. I've gotten over lots of stuff and moved on but I'm feeling a big ole wall creeping up at alarming rates. I want to hit things, throw things, punch things. Maybe after buby passes and we go through all of this I'll heal and forgive again. I worry about becoming my mom, i never worry about becoming my dad because i find him to be unobtainable. I never feel like he has a conscious. I'm dead to him unless I'm in front of him and its the way its always been. Seeking out his attention, his love etc but getting nothing in response. When i dropped them off at the airport i told him I loved him and he said it back. That makes time 3 in my life and always i must be the first. The first was when I wanted to take my own life years ago. Ridiculousness. I'm so torn also because around me so many lose their family members and I can't be happy with my robot. I look at both side of this situation and my feelings but i can't help it. I'm still angry. Issues, i guess we all have them.


Blogger Tempest ina Pot of Tea said...

For what is worth, my dad died at 10:30, all the medical equipment was removed by 1:30 from hospice people. Hospice bed is like hospital bed lite. Not as heavy and with less bars and bells and whistles. Hospice was awesome at taking care of all the pick up and break down.holly

9:51 PM  
Blogger wheelinsticks said...

I feel for you and am worried. I know its hard. I have unfortunately walked in those same shoes more than I want to count. Just keep the day and remember how special each. Let your anger for dad lay in the dust as it should.

9:04 AM  

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