Sunday, January 09, 2011


As I lay in bed this morning I was thinking about mortality. When i think about it i get nauseous, i can't move, i get chills throughout my body. When I was little I used to pray to my deceased grandfather asking for him to show me, tell me, that there is something else in the world. I'm not just going to fertilize the ground someday. My mother taught me thats all there is. I plan to lie to my kids about there being something else. They will make their own decisions one day but no 6 year old needs to hear that there is nothing after you die. Oh you live on in memories, woopty doo.
I also realize as I think this stuff that I'm a killer. Really, I'm okay with it. As I am going through the process of death my last grandparent, people are not following the living wills or hopes expressed by the individual. It sickens me. It sickens me when people try to extend someone's life not for that person but for their own needs. I am also okay with Dr. K and his actions. Its a big statement. Its not that I'd do it.. but if a family and individual has decided together, that I'm okay.
I could tell you about my other views about pre birth but then I'd get bombed and I'd rather not.
I could also tell you my view on pets. There are some who get new pets before their older ones pass. I'm not that person. I think its a disservice to my faithful companion who i know i value too much because of my lack of human kids. It came up in discussion yesterday, luckily my partner feels the same.
As my parents go through the mortality of their own parents they cannot deal with their own. It would be a blessing if they planned and made choices now but such is not in the stars. I believe I take after my father's side, the one with mental decline for 20 years, not my mother, my brother takes after mom's side and thus gets the curse of rheumatoid arthritis. Half a dozen of one, for half a dozen of another. I am terrified of my dementia, alzeimers future, and I will go through the same as my parents are going through now, I wonder will I do the same to my children?


Blogger Tempest ina Pot of Tea said...

No wonder you couldn't sleep. Things like that keep me up at night too. Only now it is my mother's mortality that I worry about. I think this is why I am currently in therapy. Know I am up late sometimes too and I can listen.

12:50 PM  

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