Monday, April 10, 2006

Using Every Ounce of Self Control

This is where the blog comes in handy. Today we had an insurance meeting. Our copays are going up. My lunesta will be 45 a month and my other two meds will be 25 each. I made a joke with the boss that I'm going off my meds. No I wouldn't do that. Sure I'm on antidepressants but that isn't what makes me a bitch at work. Boss knows about the Lunesta and its gotten my crap together as far as work energy and productivity. Also knows the debt I've recently accrued through car shit etc. Anywho Coworker who can't do shit for herself but is loved by all says, oh no Mindy, we'll all chip in to keep you on your meds.
Fuck you. They haven't ever known me off my meds and frankly I'm easier to deal with off the meds cause I'm sad quiet not energetic pissed. Why have I gotten worse in the last few years, because we have more employees, more for me to keep organized, more incompetence, remote workers who take the easy route and call instead of doing things themselves, more clients which leads to more calls, more bills, etc. I also have more responsibilities. I'm the goto gal. I also learned my coworkers are not my friends and I stopped pretending it was that way. I was stabbed one too many times. I need to go back to the girl who never visits the other rooms. Although I've been doing that recently and low and behold, no visiting me either. Once guy comes up, makes a funny face and I ignore it and he walks off.
We have more work, so the thought is that the employees need to do the work and not worry about the marketing or organization side. Well that's just going to screw you over in the end. You had that route for a few years, it turned into a big mess, we cleaned it up and now we are going to make it again. We have a sweet organizer that everyone loves yet no one notices that you can't really give her responsibility because she's missing a lot of the finer details. She's got too much going on her in head which all the things she does is admirable but I still have issues with the quality of some things that she does. I know, who am I to say stuff like that. I have my downfalls too, big time and when I started I made mistakes too.
I'm probably going on 6 months waiting for one guy to organize a file so I can deadfile it. Others just don't feel they need to follow the standard. I totally feel, even if its not real, that there are the cool kids at the office and I am not one. Its a cycle that just grows too. I get pissier each day. I've always been the odd one. Its lame but just my religious affiliation tosses me out. I'm inconvenient when I have my holidays. And I get shit every year about xmas. The next place I move to I am making a conscious effort to move to a Jewish area. Who knows what my job will be but at least I won't be the odd duck like I've been for the last 27 years.
Oh and I totally should have a parking spot now but alas Incompetent Girl needs her spot when she visits. G-d forbid she bends for anything. Bosses actually assume she needs it kept open, she assumed someone else would have gotten it. We're celebrating her visit on Wednesday. Glad I'm gone, if I wasn't gone I wouldn't attend. Its Passover, you won't see me scheduling a work event on Ash Wednesday. Let me watch you all eat and drink.
The more we grow, the less family we are, we've turned into a fraternity and frankly I don't want to be part of the pissing contest. I know I'd lose and I know I have my shit together but hell if once in a while peer pressure doesn't effect us. There are people who have their two side, profession and personal. I wish I could be one who had that split For years I wanted to be a number in a company. That personal touch I think is worse for my personality.
Arg. I guess I feel unappreciated, bosses appreciate me, that's nice but my peers just think I'm a pain in their ass. If I was incompetent I'd be loved and successful. The one guy who likes me is a guy who has a wife just like me. He also never really asks me anything, he tries to do it himself first.
Its my job to serve. Its not in my personality. I'm an incharge kinda a person. According to my parents they had me be part of educational activities that promoted leadership, thanks, its made me miserable.


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