Sunday, August 12, 2007

Late night Boo therapy

So Boo just got a job working at a kennel. He says he doesn't want a desk job, he wants to work with his hands and such. I should be happy that he has gotten a job but its a real struggle. When he talks about not wanting a desk job I think back to his last job. He came home and played video games. Had he worked and then come home and had a house with gardening, dogs, etc would he have been happy? Or recently he was in school and when school was done or the day he came home and had more homework/deskwork. And he wasn't here in a home that requires maintenance and improvement, nor did he have companionship.
So while Boo struggles about what he wants to do with his life I wonder if he had more outside of work/school would he have been satisfied. Before on weekends when I suggested stuff to do (as a nagging girlfriend), it was the weekend, he wanted to relax, or after work... I being the bitch would retort that weekends are when we get done our other work. Our work for our homes... Its that crappy adult thing that we don't realize as kids.. weekends aren't a total vacation... its when we catch up. And he did do stuff... he cooked a lot and it was great but for more sweatful activities that was more my interest. Sure now he is a different person in a different place but when he is with me he knows I will get stuff done. Its like visiting your parents and returning to that teenager you don't want to be anymore. We are at a point where we are changing on our own paths and hoping to merge them but more often we regress to what we were.
I'm trying to be happy for him, that he at least has some income and drive at the moment but I can't help but think about my future and my security. The only security I have is the security I have made myself in St. Louis. And its a security that is unfortunately for one... I can afford me, I can't and won't support a husband and can't support a kid. At least not how I'd want to. All the things he thinks of pursing would requiring me taking a great leap of faith and working much harder and longer for my income that I want to. And I'm honest about that. I don't want to work 7 days a week for long hours.. I do work more than 40 and worry about work more but it would certainly be more in a family business of some sort.
I don't post about Boo much especially the negative, he doesn't read my blog but if for some reason he does, he knows I love him dearly I just fear the unknown, i have worked hard for a steady future and with so much flying in the wind right now its scary. I just keep trucking away hoping that we can find a medium at some point. Right now we both know we are not a state where there is a happy medium for us to be at together and until he finds his path I can't join him in traveling it, so I continue on my own path and have drive by visits from my partner....where I get a glimpse of what we've been, and maybe what we can become if the fates shine our way. I pray for the fates but this radio wave seems to be a bit weak in reaching them.


Blogger maitai said...

i understand your frustration. sometimes it's the timing, sometimes you just have to be patient. hang in there.

5:33 PM  

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